segunda-feira, 21 de novembro de 2022

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Step by step, she let herself be carried away by a feeling that should never have existed. It is true that she tried to deny it for herself and not pay attention to all these emotions that were blooming inside of her chest. Maybe that was her biggest mistake: not recognizing that she was falling in love. She let the sunflower enter in her life in such a profound way that everything stayed confusing, inappropriate and too complicated. 

But now is no longer time for sorrows. The past must be left behind and the fairy must look only to the horizon, to the new things, to the non-repetition of old mistakes. When was the moment that she should have stopped this whole enchantment process? When did it become too late for the pains to outweigh her true achievements? 

When did love become the meaning of loss, of irreparable damage, of unanswered pleas, of despair, longing, abandonment? When did she forget what was most important on her journey and slip back into the state where a passion becomes bigger than her? Perhaps, she needs not only to look at the consequences of her actions, but also what led her to this very difficult time of loss and instability.


Because, in truth, if there is anyone to blame in this fiery narrative, it is the fairy. She knows her limits, her repetitions, her patterns and her need to say everything, to love until the end, not to hold back and reveal her feelings all at once. However, long before she was completely in love, she might not have accepted the way things were going.


But there was an addictive feeling that she couldn't stop accepting what was being handed to her. Seeing and recognizing what was happening, the fairy did not run away. She stayed and only when there was no way out, when she would lose everything - especially the sunflower -, that was when she asked her to leave. And she doesn't even know if the sunflower left forever because she asked or because now the sunflower despises her.


The fairy just wanted to keep feeling what she was feeling when she was around her. She wanted to breathe every minute of that pure air, listen to every tone of that voice and to look inside of her eyes in every minute of her life. However, she shouldn't. She should have done what she has done before, when she managed to bar undue emotions for other songs.


The guilt and fear that change will never come is more palpable than the pain of existence. How many castles will she knock down? How many people will she lose along the way? Is she not embarrassed enough? Because now everything is ashes, everything turned to dust and she has spoiled the best song she ever heard. Distance is perhaps the best solution for the present moment. 


But, sincerely, she would like all the effort she had in the last months not to crumble and that the image that the sunflower has of her do not change it and be destroyed by a single stupid and foolish action. Then comes the certainty that not only the sunflower was affected. There is a panic, an anguish of never being able to start over and only spreading chaos in the lives of the people around her. It was for this reason that she wanted to no longer exist, wasn't it? 


She is chaos and uncontrolled wind, that spreads, especially at dawn. But, the fairy already succeeded once. One autumn evening, she decided she could take a deep breath and get her emotions under control. For months, she was happy with her goal of being a better person for once. But when she saw the butterfly, everything fell apart. She no longer knew who she was, what she wanted, what her next steps would be and how she would return to her bubble of peace and sanity.


However, every day is a day to start over. Hours will pass, days will turn into months and she will know if she has lost the best friendship she has ever found or not. Waiting is her curse. So let it be fulfilled.


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