Uma resposta para o inverno do seu coração

O nó na garganta continua presente. Quando lembra de seus fios avermelhados, a sensação piora. Resta apenas o aperto crescente e lágrimas que jamais chegam. Queria poder segurar todos os momentos que esteve feliz ao seu lado, queria que ela regressasse com seu sorriso alegre e dissesse que está tudo bem. Todos os seus sonhos desvaneceram em suas mãos após a sua partida. O que resta quando o sol se põe e a melancolia se alastra?

Talvez ela precise recordar as palavras doces que lhe foram direcionadas. Naqueles conselhos de início de tarde estão as respostas. Ela precisa pensar qual o lado positivo em todo o caos que proporcionou para sua própria vida nas últimas semanas. Recomeços são importantes e paixões só a fazem sucumbir. Então, de certo, há alguma coisa boa neste vendaval solitário. Porque, mesmo sem conseguir deglutir metafórica e fisicamente, lá fora, o dia está iluminado.

Na verdade, há tempos não contemplava uma manhã tão ensolarada em suas terras. Além disso, viu o pássaro cantar em sua janela, tão feliz e imponente, que quis se contaminar daquela energia. Todavia, se sente paralisada e sem forças para realizar tudo que precisa e ama. Uma pausa breve é necessária e ela sabe disso, porém se culpa porque queria ser mais forte e menos intensa. Ela queria que tudo fosse diferente e sua alma está cansada de lutar contra a sua própria natureza.

O que fazer então? Não há nenhuma outra solução que não seja esperar o tempo passar. Em cada madrugada infiel, irá respirar fundo e contar os dias para que as estações mudem e tenha a sua resposta certeira. O que ela pensa sobre tudo que aconteceu? Quais são as sentenças cravadas em sua mente veloz, afiada e coberta de racionalidades? Escutará sua voz algum dia outra vez? Não saber nenhuma resposta é a danação mais dolorosa de todas.

Depois, ela se lembra das praças encantadas, das árvores abraçadas, das confissões que fez para a natureza e da promessa de outubro que não pode deixar de cumprir. Ela precisa lembrar de toda a força que habita o seu coração e de quantas batalhas venceu após cada momento de coração partido. Não é momento de lamentar a ausência da cantiga mais bela. Não é agora que deve lembrar das frases soltas proferidas naquela noite e se torturar por querer abandonar tudo da mesma forma que se sentia abandonada. 

Não pode nunca mais se culpar. Ela precisa segurar a correnteza que quer desaguar descompassada e regular o vento que consome seus passos. Ela está no comando da sua vida e ninguém pode tirar isso dela, não é? Pois sobreviveu a todas as aventuras e precisa se sentir orgulhosa disso, de alguma coisa em sua tola vida. Então, isolará qualquer chaga que possa dominar a sua razão e deixará de lado a esperança do seu regresso. Ou, pelo menos, tentará dosar a sua ansiedade. Ainda não se passaram a quantidade de horas suficientes para que ela possa a ter perdoado ou mudado de opinião. 

Mas, roga que volte. Da maneira que quiser, ela terá um espaço reservado em sua vida para todo sempre, nesta ou em qualquer outra jornada. Basta querer. Porque não há outra que tenha um poder tão especial, não há outra que consiga dizer tão solenemente o que deseja e possa ver aquilo sendo concretizado tão prontamente. E é por isso que sabe que provavelmente jamais voltará. Mesmo assim, vive neste aguardo, enquanto segue o seu destino, enquanto cumpre suas funções, enquanto suspira ao recobrar qualquer memória com ela. 

Reset

Step by step, she let herself be carried away by a feeling that should never have existed. It is true that she tried to deny it for herself and not pay attention to all these emotions that were blooming inside of her chest. Maybe that was her biggest mistake: not recognizing that she was falling in love. She let the sunflower enter in her life in such a profound way that everything stayed confusing, inappropriate and too complicated. 

But now is no longer time for sorrows. The past must be left behind and the fairy must look only to the horizon, to the new things, to the non-repetition of old mistakes. When was the moment that she should have stopped this whole enchantment process? When did it become too late for the pains to outweigh her true achievements? 

When did love become the meaning of loss, of irreparable damage, of unanswered pleas, of despair, longing, abandonment? When did she forget what was most important on her journey and slip back into the state where a passion becomes bigger than her? Perhaps, she needs not only to look at the consequences of her actions, but also what led her to this very difficult time of loss and instability.

Because, in truth, if there is anyone to blame in this fiery narrative, it is the fairy. She knows her limits, her repetitions, her patterns and her need to say everything, to love until the end, not to hold back and reveal her feelings all at once. However, long before she was completely in love, she might not have accepted the way things were going.

But there was an addictive feeling that she couldn't stop accepting what was being handed to her. Seeing and recognizing what was happening, the fairy did not run away. She stayed and only when there was no way out, when she would lose everything - especially the sunflower -, that was when she asked her to leave. And she doesn't even know if the sunflower left forever because she asked or because now the sunflower despises her.

The fairy just wanted to keep feeling what she was feeling when she was around her. She wanted to breathe every minute of that pure air, listen to every tone of that voice and to look inside of her eyes in every minute of her life. However, she shouldn't. She should have done what she has done before, when she managed to bar undue emotions for other songs.

The guilt and fear that change will never come is more palpable than the pain of existence. How many castles will she knock down? How many people will she lose along the way? Is she not embarrassed enough? Because now everything is ashes, everything turned to dust and she has spoiled the best song she ever heard. Distance is perhaps the best solution for the present moment. 

But, sincerely, she would like all the effort she had in the last months not to crumble and that the image that the sunflower has of her do not change it and be destroyed by a single stupid and foolish action. Then comes the certainty that not only the sunflower was affected. There is a panic, an anguish of never being able to start over and only spreading chaos in the lives of the people around her. It was for this reason that she wanted to no longer exist, wasn't it? 

She is chaos and uncontrolled wind, that spreads, especially at dawn. But, the fairy already succeeded once. One autumn evening, she decided she could take a deep breath and get her emotions under control. For months, she was happy with her goal of being a better person for once. But when she saw the butterfly, everything fell apart. She no longer knew who she was, what she wanted, what her next steps would be and how she would return to her bubble of peace and sanity.

However, every day is a day to start over. Hours will pass, days will turn into months and she will know if she has lost the best friendship she has ever found or not. Waiting is her curse. So let it be fulfilled.

Die verrückte Fee

What else to say when all the words have been spoken? How can she take this emptiness out of her chest? Or even worse how to keep going after the shameful things she has done? Now, all she can think is how the red hair sunflower thinks she is crazy and unable to administrate her life. 

But does this matter? In all her life she focused on being the best at her work. However, in her love life everything was always a mess. She can’t control her feelings and she is always anxious for the next step. Sadly, nowadays, the fairy was in an even more toxic journey, the one of fall in love without reciprocity. 

All these worlds collapsed and she thinks that she ruined one thing that she really appreciated. At the same time, maybe that was the best thing that could happen to the sunflower. But it is very hard to understand her. She has a very complex behavior, one that the fairy can’t decode. Why does she say that stuff? Why did she want to keep her a little close to her?

If she was not surprised and knew about everything, nothing makes sense anymore to the fairy. Because she was very sure that her feelings were a big secret and that was the reason her beloved kaiserin was so sweet and endearing. Maybe that was pity. After all, that friendship was a charity case for the sunflower, that in her high tower of perfection decided to guide this pathetic girl a little bit. 

That is the most plausible answer to this entire thing that happened this year. And she is not going to start to feel bad about all that she lived. She will keep the walks and chats in a very special place inside her memory. She still thinks that the sunflower is a good person and that those happy days can’t be replaced.

But nothing matters anymore. Sie ist ein verdammt Fee. Everything that she touches becomes gray, destroyed, cursed. She can’t hold on to good things for too long. She always finds a way to keep the bad stuff and get rid of the good ones. That is the definition of her adult life. So, now, she must go on and accept that she will never be around her dear friend again. Because that is the worst part.

In her entire journey in the castle city she had the certainty that she only couldn’t ruin that friendship. So she held herself as hard as she could. What she didn’t expect was that her return would make her whole progress go back to the beginning of everything. In the end, she expects to find a way to fix what she did. If not with the sunflower, with the path that she made, the one that is the most important for her. 

And then, she has to find a way that her love life doesn’t ruin her entire life. And then, she has to accept that she screwed everything up and there is no return for her actions. So, would that mean a goodbye forever to the sunflower? Maybe. That is not up to her anymore. She will let her decide that or maybe the destiny. Those answers are impossible to have right now.

What she knows is that she is changing the way she deals with loss. To be away from the woman she loves can’t mean that her path has no more meaning. She will definitely hear more songs and they won’t be as melodic as her, but maybe that is for good. Maybe she will find women that are not only available, but also that will like her even with her flaws. She must be prepared though to be the better version of herself when that happens and to be less intense. 

As for the sunflower, only a miracle will save this complex relationship with a person that is so distant, reserved and that now thinks she is bad company. Miracles happen all the time and only time will tell it. One year? Fifteen years? Never? Sie kann nur warten… Für immer weiter warten…

The fairy and the sunflower - Part II

She was not able to finally leave this world. There is maybe something more she needs to do with her destiny. Within all the responsibilities and love from those around her, the only thing she can think of is the life she adored. How can she explain the feeling of being happy? 

In her entire existence, the fairy had never experienced such a feeling of being constantly happy, even in the bad moments. It is because the fairy has an empty chest, a pain inside her, that she started to feel when she was so young, that she thought that this sensation belonged to her. But she recently discovered that this was not the truth.

On a spring night, she looked at her face, on the sunflower’s face, and everything made sense. Together with the castle, the lakes and all that makes that city the most pleasant place on earth, the smile of the sunflower was the meaning of life. It’s hard to defend herself and say how special this love is, since the sunflower also covers patterns of the fairy.

But that is not the reason she fell for the sunflower. The fairy never met a woman like her, with such a deep connection and that much quality. The sunflower is sweet, kind, honest, gentle, humble (most of the time) and so gorgeous that the whole Universe could stop just to contemplate her face. 

And then, there is also the fact that she has an enormous light and shares that with others. She is the one that picks up berries from trees and enjoys the taste of everything she eats and drinks. She is the one that speaks about nature and health with passion and tries to find the good things in every situation.

How could the fairy not fall in love when she founded the love of her life? It seems definitely exaggerated to assert this so intensely, but if anyone in the fairy’s life met the sunflower, he or she would immediately comprehend what made her fall so deeply. The sunflower is the woman that the fairy dreamed as a silly young girl. There, in her teenage years, she thought that she would be happy with a person exactly like her. 

It is funny to the fairy to think that this fanfictioned woman, this hallucination from her younger years, actually exists and is so untouchable that now she feels only pain and sadness. Because even if there wasn’t an entire ocean dividing them, she couldn’t have her. She would never be with her. And this impossibility would only grow in each walk, dinner and coffee they could ever share.

Nonetheless, the fairy can say to the world that she found the woman of her dreams, the one that made her feel good and happy, that made the emptiness in her chest finally disappear. And the fairy shouldn’t be that sad or desperate, because life gave her this huge opportunity to meet someone like the sunflower. And also she has to understand that now they can’t be even friends - since the fairy ruined that - so, she has to swallow her tears and follow her path. 

But nobody will be like her. Never. Nobody is like the sunflower and that is ok too. Every song has a rhythm, a special dynamic that brings new feelings and experiences to the fairy. So now she must be reborn and find reasons to keep going. And even more importantly, she can’t be with the sunflower, but she can return to her favorite land, even if it’s for a brief encounter and it takes ages for that to happen. It doesn’t matter.

Because in this entire fanfiction that happened in her life, there is a love that is not impossible: the love for a place. A place that cured her, that made her believe in life and love again. And that is so special that she can survive only by knowing that the city is there, within all its qualities, and with the fact she was there too one day. While she inhabits this planet, she can fight to see that place again. And when she comes back, she can redo all that path, the one she called “Sonnenblumenweg“. Even if she does this “weg” alone, the sunflower will be there with her, because she will be in her heart forever. 

Perto do fim, um recomeço

Seu coração descompassado criou musas translúcidas, em torres de areias cristalinas e cobertas de fel. Em sua tempestade cintilante e turbulenta, se viu perdida numa sequência de paixões dolorosas e impossíveis. Ambas possuem porte de rainha guerreira, são como imperatrizes desbravadoras de sonhos e desejos. Delas, obviamente, pois as duas olham para o horizonte e somente param quando chegam até lá.

Todavia, as semelhanças cessam por aí. Enquanto a primeira é fervor, vendaval incendiado, caos, simulação oblíqua e disfarce, a outra não poderia ser mais diferente. Quase como um ser místico que aporta na vida do outro para irradiar luz infinita, a segunda é doçura encantada, é riacho doce que amolece o coração até das fadas mais alucinadas.

No entanto, talvez esteja errada em compará-las, justamente por elas serem tão distintas. Mas, há esta única conexão entre as duas e precisa compreender a razão de padrões tão repetidos, ainda que em lugares completamente diferentes. A ninfa dourada, que rege o mundo com seu sorriso e se transforma em girassol, chegou lentamente, até florescer. Já a borboleta petrificada veio como um atropelamento, daqueles que fazem o corpo estremecer.

Calmaria de um lado, ventania do outro. No meio, a fada despudorada e tola, que insiste em se distrair com canções irreais, com luzes que brilham insanamente, mas não por ela. Mas, agora, não pode mais. Não consegue mais sentir um fio de paixão sequer, sem que se arrisque a não querer continuar. Após um amor devastador, em meio ao caos da peste e das mazelas de sua terra, jurou com todas as forças que jamais se entregaria ao amor novamente.

Contudo, se viu perdidamente enamorada da borboleta petrificada e viveu a história mais dolorosa e insana possível. Em seguida, cambaleante, mas já curada, se viu rodeada da cantiga mais bela, suave, carinhosa e fascinante do mundo todo. Distraída com a sua face, sua voz e companhia, não percebeu que estava pulando do poço e foi, assim, até o fundo, até não poder mais, até descobrir que ela sabia de tudo, o tempo inteiro. Nunca foi uma habilidade da fada esconder suas emoções.

A fada diz tudo sobre si e deixa o fogo queimar dentro da sua alma. Brasa por brasa, grita para o Planeta inteiro que ama alguém e nada mais importa. Ama tão fortemente que se viu arrebatada de uma confusão mental que jamais poderá explicar. Em uma noite cinzenta, encontrou a borboleta petrificada, junto com seu dono, ambos engaiolados em convenções. E como numa convulsão alucinante, seu corpo tremia em espasmos incontroláveis. Ao mesmo tempo, pensou imediatamente no girassol, no castelo, no lago. 

Ela tentou buscar o respiro aliviado, que por tantos meses foram a sua salvação. E não está falando de uma paixão por uma pessoa e sim por um lugar. “Maybe you fell in love with Marburg and a little bit with yourself”. Nunca nenhuma frase será mais verdadeira que essa. Sem poder alcançar o único lugar que morou e foi feliz, se segurou num companheiro de jornada e embarcou em uma madrugada etílica infernal. Entre goles e soluços, respirou fundo e percebeu que não havia jeito, que jamais conseguiria mudar quem ela é.

Isto porque a fada tropeça em seus amores não faz pouco tempo. É bem verdade que ela, até então, somente havia sofrido por amores reais e concretizados. Mas, ainda assim, quis deletar de vez a sua existência, como nunca antes em toda sua trajetória de menina boba e exagerada. E foi assim que caminhou rumo a sua morte, com um último cigarro e copo de cerveja na mão. Mas, antes do pulo para a liberdade tão sonhada, deixou duas despedidas, que para ela eram as mais necessárias.

Primeiro, para a sua última paixão correspondida, a dona do sol e das verdades duras que precisam ser ditas. Depois, para aquela que está do outro lado do oceano, a flor que brilha e salta aos olhos, mesmo que ao luar. Ali, naquela madrugada de adeus, jamais pensou que seguiria em frente. Jamais. Por isso, se pergunta a cada instante como foi que continuou respirando, como foi que seu corpo resistiu, que sua mente não apagou. Ela sinceramente não faz ideia. Nada aconteceu. Não naquele momento no qual viu tudo girar e pensou que havia encontrado seu último suspiro.

Como numa lembrança distante, recorda que ouviu a voz do girassol. Em uma confusão intensa e profunda, sentiu uma mistura de amargor e alegria, como se fosse ali realmente a última vez que se falariam. E depois? Depois vieram os companheiros de jornada que, estranhamente, pareceram… se importar? Depois, vieram os dias que precisaria enfrentar. Dias sem lagos, sem patos ou cisnes, sem bancos rodeados de árvores, ruas silenciosas e castelos mágicos apaixonantes.

Então, por uma questão de sobrevivência, decidiu deixar todas as dores irem embora e se afastar de qualquer memória dolorosa, principalmente aquelas das paixões não correspondidas. Algumas dúvidas ficaram, porém. Dúvidas sobre o girassol, que prefere perguntar olhando nos seus olhos tão tão profundos, os olhos mais intensos e inebriantes que este Universo já produziu. Até lá, ainda há muita escrita para ser produzida e muita cura para ser vivida. Então, que todos os pontos finais sejam postos e que se criem, naturalmente, as reticências…

What kind of love?

For sure, better days will come. The ones like she had this year. She will look to the field of flowers and understand the reason she had survived until there. But today everything seems heavy, complicated, insane. The unique person that she likes and had not see this side of her, discovered that in a very dark noon.

There isn’t here a romantic text, where she will tell she is in love with someone. No. This is a sad narrative of a desperate woman who was so sure she would not maintain herself alive that she said goodbye to the sunflower. After that the pain was unbearable. 

The sunflower knows about the fairy feelings and that is ok. It is not like she was trying to hide it. But the biggest sorrow is to know that from now on she will be for her that sad girl that have serious problems. A heavy waste. Nothing to her. And now is like she even can not feel anything for anybody. Because she will not allow herself again, until she is good and happy again. 

Until she can be finally health and free, she will cry a little and try to be stronger.

O nunca mais adormecido

Ela quer esquecer, quer destruir qualquer lembrança ou sentimento que tenha por este amor que perturba o seu coração. Dominada de desejos, segue cambaleante, tirando forças da alma para seguir em frente. Por que não voltar para outros amores então? Em desespero de saudade de um tempo que se despedaçou, luta para se sentir viva novamente em outras canções.

Todavia, seu pensamento regressa para o semblante de sua amada, para a sua personalidade, seu sorriso e sua inteligência. Tudo sobre ela é especial e apaixonante, nada foi ou será como ela. Mas, o que fazer quando a distância é insuperável e as vontades são distintas? 

E se tivesse lhe dito toda a verdade? Como seria? Ao seu redor, todos proclamam respostas aparentemente óbvias para solucionar as dúvidas de seu coração. No entanto, continua segurando o seu segredo, continua chorando baixo, sofrendo em silêncio. Não há escapatória feliz para tal danação. 

Segue em frente, mirando o futuro, observando as flores rosas que encontra nos jardins, tomando chás de todos os sabores, colhendo frutas do pé, relendo seus bilhetes corriqueiros, olhando para o seu rosto em fotos antigas, sonhando com o dia que irá abraçá-la novamente.