What else to say when all the words have been spoken? How can she take this emptiness out of her chest? Or even worse how to keep going after the shameful things she has done? Now, all she can think is how the red hair sunflower thinks she is crazy and unable to administrate her life.
But does this matter? In all her life she focused on being the best at her work. However, in her love life everything was always a mess. She can’t control her feelings and she is always anxious for the next step. Sadly, nowadays, the fairy was in an even more toxic journey, the one of fall in love without reciprocity.
All these worlds collapsed and she thinks that she ruined one thing that she really appreciated. At the same time, maybe that was the best thing that could happen to the sunflower. But it is very hard to understand her. She has a very complex behavior, one that the fairy can’t decode. Why does she say that stuff? Why did she want to keep her a little close to her?
If she was not surprised and knew about everything, nothing makes sense anymore to the fairy. Because she was very sure that her feelings were a big secret and that was the reason her beloved kaiserin was so sweet and endearing. Maybe that was pity. After all, that friendship was a charity case for the sunflower, that in her high tower of perfection decided to guide this pathetic girl a little bit.
That is the most plausible answer to this entire thing that happened this year. And she is not going to start to feel bad about all that she lived. She will keep the walks and chats in a very special place inside her memory. She still thinks that the sunflower is a good person and that those happy days can’t be replaced.
But nothing matters anymore. Sie ist ein verdammt Fee. Everything that she touches becomes gray, destroyed, cursed. She can’t hold on to good things for too long. She always finds a way to keep the bad stuff and get rid of the good ones. That is the definition of her adult life. So, now, she must go on and accept that she will never be around her dear friend again. Because that is the worst part.
In her entire journey in the castle city she had the certainty that she only couldn’t ruin that friendship. So she held herself as hard as she could. What she didn’t expect was that her return would make her whole progress go back to the beginning of everything. In the end, she expects to find a way to fix what she did. If not with the sunflower, with the path that she made, the one that is the most important for her.
And then, she has to find a way that her love life doesn’t ruin her entire life. And then, she has to accept that she screwed everything up and there is no return for her actions. So, would that mean a goodbye forever to the sunflower? Maybe. That is not up to her anymore. She will let her decide that or maybe the destiny. Those answers are impossible to have right now.
What she knows is that she is changing the way she deals with loss. To be away from the woman she loves can’t mean that her path has no more meaning. She will definitely hear more songs and they won’t be as melodic as her, but maybe that is for good. Maybe she will find women that are not only available, but also that will like her even with her flaws. She must be prepared though to be the better version of herself when that happens and to be less intense.
As for the sunflower, only a miracle will save this complex relationship with a person that is so distant, reserved and that now thinks she is bad company. Miracles happen all the time and only time will tell it. One year? Fifteen years? Never? Sie kann nur warten… Für immer weiter warten…
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