The silly pain inside the throat

There is this suffocating feeling that she cannot get rid of. It is like something is stuck on her throat and she is not able to swallow freely anymore. Maybe that is happening because she ate up her tears a little bit and tried to move on with her own path.

It all began on a cold afternoon of September. She looked inside her eyes and saw emptiness. After that, the impression that there was an absence of feelings inside the sunflower only grew. Within that the suffocation got worse step by step. 

But there was one point where the pain became stronger than ever and that was after the moment she realized she would be forgotten. It is not like it is her fault or anything. She is just not important to her as she would like to be and that should be fine, it will be fine.

But the pain is striking her chest, her throat, her heart. She has this physical pain and there is nothing to do except wait for this pathetic and useless feeling to go away for once. In the past, she fall for many girls that are now only a memory or that got to have different meanings on her life. With the Kaiserin of the sunflowers that will not be different.

One day, she will look behind and see how this was relevant to her growth. She will see how this was the basis to never repeat the same circles, ever. She broke the cycle of doing whatever she wanted, just because she had feelings. And that maybe hurts and gives throat suffocations but it is also the best choice, the best path, the adult thing to do. 

And, as she writes, she gets to cope with her feelings and the tears wash up a small part of the pain. And that will be her life everyday for a while. Until the day that the pain is gone, until the day that she will not be sad that she forgot about her, because that is not the main point of this encounter. 

She met her to be herself a better person, she met her so she could see herself with better eyes and understand better what she feels, why she feels and about who. So, that was a learning experience. One she will never forget. And sometimes in order to learn you have to feel a little bit of pain, because that means you are transforming yourself. 

Sobre a fada esmeralda

O véu se quebrou em finos espasmos. A escrita se derramou pela glória do teu nome petrificado. Como em um despertar após um sonho incessante, as verdades tomaram seu peito, que antes já estava inconsolável. A justiça caminhou ao seu lado e proclamou todos os gritos por tanto tempo guardados. Não mais celebrou a mentira, o desengano ou a ilusão. 

Agora, com as verdades purificadas, finalmente alcançou a libertação. Agora, sem medos trancafiados, conseguiu ser aquela do passado novamente. Juntamente com seu presente, amarrou todas as características que carrega consigo em sua aura. Desta vez, o fez de maneira bem firme, para que jamais esquecesse que canção alguma pode lhe aprisionar.

Ela é o vento despudorado, o campo que incendeia com qualquer flâmula. Ela é caos em véspera de desespero e acalento em tempo de necessidade. Por esta razão, nunca mais se calará diante da injustiça que é amar e precisar corresponder um mistério insignificante. Jamais voltará para o ponto inicial, no qual tudo é desapego e nunca intensidade. Jamais irá questionar sua sede, seus desejos ou decisões tempestuosas novamente.

Não importa quão grande seja o castelo, ela sabe que todas as sonatas desfazem os laços, porém não podem permanecer longamente. Então, por que correu por tanto tempo de sua danação preferida? Por que tentou procurar em imperatrizes e rainhas aquilo que não consegue achar em si mesma? Na verdade, precisa entender que não haverá ser algum que possa controlar essa chama que não se apaga, essa vontade de correr pelos campos floridos em véspera de estações mais quentes.

Ela é verão, é sol e ventania e sempre soube deste fato. Não precisará, assim, que venham girassóis ou borboletas para iluminar um horizonte já tão iluminado e perfumado. Por isso, no hoje cheio de ilusões quebradas, promete para si que não olhará para trás outra vez. Encerrando ciclos, irá cruzar a fronteira do próximo ano limpa e sem impedimentos. Irá aceitar a transformação, mas manterá o que há de mais precioso em seu coração de fada torta e de asa quebrada.

Se houver alguma resposta do outro lado, caminhará na direção oposta. Pois, nesta nova alvorada, não há espaço para donas de corações e sim de sinos que compartilham estradas longas, que serão trilhadas em conjunto, no dia mais lindo de todos, no celestial e translúcido amanhecer, que talvez esteja por vir quando for mar mais uma vez. Então, que venha, que seja, que reaja e nunca mais espere por sereias fantasiadas de sorrisos. Até o fim, até o próximo encontro com o castelo, até o retorno, até o infinito.

Wise and blessed

Her eyes are like a lake, where swans glide gently on a storm eve. Her smile is a flood that overflows within the hearts of those who doesn’t expect anything. However, her words are the ones that stick a flag in the soul and elucidate the true meaning of existing.

How could she imagine that on a simple spring afternoon she would find the owner of her certainties, of her greatest joy, of every atom of happiness present in this vast Universe? And all this happened because she is an intense ray of sunshine, mixed with a slight arrogance of those who knows so much, but also with the generosity of those who have a sparkling and resplendent aura.

Everything now becomes her, because she is like an unshakable symphony by Mozart, an opera with the most sad end or even a Hollywood romcom with a happy ending. It doesn't matter which is the narrative, it matters that it is intense, so it will be similar to her.

Why she is so far away though? Her tower is not made of ivory, but of thorns. There, a faithful knight that takes up his sword and holds the heart of his beloved. Amid mists, wind and lightning and there she tries to find in which exact place in this garden the warrior empress of her dreams is hiding.

Why so much fog? Why can't she be by her side, holding hands, on this Opera night in Vienna? Why is it an end without a beginning, is it damnation without a purpose, is it no without any possibility of yes? It is impossible and there will never be another one as impossible as she. It's like seeing the most beautiful oasis and being forbidden to enter.

And the curse has only just begun. When the ocean separates them, the sonata will turn gray and she will have to pull her passion out of her bowels. Because only then she will be able to try to seek happines again. Nothing will be like before. After her, only her, forever her, with all the love in the world, her.

The end

The smell of the trees, the calmness in her eyes, everything was perfect on that happy and cold September afternoon. But somehow, the fairy has this power of getting obsessed with her songs and ruin things a little bit. Her feelings about the sunflower should be a secret, a secret she was not able to keep.

Without using the specific words, without saying “I am in love with you”, she revealed everything to her, without saying that it was her. It can be confusing to understand, but in the end, even with codes and not saying her name, the fairy felt she was obvious. The sunflower then started to give advice to help the fairy to forget about that “mysterious” woman. Her floor opened deep, she could not feel her body and her thoughts started to be confused.

Does she know? Was that a polite way to dump her? The fairy began to see everything blurry and her heart was in her throat. She wanted to run away from that conversation, she did not want to cry or show more weakness than she had already shown. The fairy said thanks to the sunflower and got away from her as soon as she could. 

After that, while she walked really fast through the streets of Marburg, she could feel the heavy tears falling on her scarf and shirt. She sat on the bench that the sunflower introduced to her. That is such a special place for the fairy. There she stared at the river and cried for half an hour. Tears of despair, sadness, confusion, disillusionment, panic and lack of self respect.

The river was there, the trees and the feeling that she met an amazing girl that will never be with her too. But now nothing regarding this story matters. Now is the time to face the truth, to break the spell she put on herself and be braver. She is a courageous woman, isn’t she? So she will fulfill her role in this path she made for herself in this country for the last months.

A new fairy had become and she is not giving up of happiness because of one small failure. She will keep the sunflower in her heart as a kind friend who gave her good moments. She will put this love on another shelf and move on to the next sunset. There is got to be one new horizon with an even more interesting person, that will be available and maybe even nicer.

Only time will tell. For now, she says “goodbye, sunflower, you were the best you could be”. 

20220919

It is impossible to explain this feeling. How could she know that before her she never experienced happiness in her life? It seems dramatic and insane maybe, but it is the truth. After her, she discovered what it is actually to feel happy and how life can be beautiful in every detail. It would be even more surprising if she told people how she is the woman she dreamed about.

It was on July afternoon of 2019 when she told someone the list of things that she would like to find in a woman, one list that she actually made it when she was 14. That sounded silly and unlikely back then. But after 3 years she found the exact person who matches this fantasy. Everything she had described is there on the sunflower. 

How can she cope with that in the present? It seems so weird that life is testing her now. Because on one hand there is the woman of her dreams. The woman that is going to be so far away from her in a couple of weeks, but that is exactly what she wanted her entire life. On the other hand, she has patterns which she wants so deeply to change.

What should she do right now since she is in love, but once again not with the woman she should be in love? Should she tell the sunflower that she likes her? Maybe give a letter to her on the last day they will see each other? Or should she stay quiet, never tell her and try to forget her? Maybe the second option is the best thing to do.

If the reader of this messy online journal is a constant reader, this person must know how insane the fairy love life is, how she can dive deep into relationships and fall for the wrong people. But also, how can she do everything to seek happiness and likes to care about the girl she is in love with. So what are her next steps? Maybe she will change the equation and let the sunflower decide. 

If she does feel the same and let the fairy know, everything will be different. But if she sees her only as a dear friend, who will be very much far away soon, she will maintain her silence forever. Is it important to let everybody know everything all the time? Is it so relevant that people say all the things they feel just because one day death will come?  Maybe not. Maybe the action of telling every feeling inside your chest is a dumb idea. 

So, for now, her decision is to keep the silence that she learned how to evoque on the last few months. But if the sunflower reads this stupid diary, she wants to say that her impression that the fairy was in love with her was right. The confessions were about the sunflower all the time. And, yes, that was a romantic gift. And, yes, she does know that she is stupid for falling in love with her. 

But she is also very thankful to the Universe for putting her on the fairy’s way. Every moment by her side was damn special and the image of her beautiful eyes will follow her until her final breath. So, don’t be disappointed, pretty sunflower, because she tried very hard not to be in love with you, but in the end she was also happy because it was a honor only to meet you and have your company. 

Encontro de outono

As folhas caíam ao seu redor. Elas passavam por todo seu corpo agitado e perseverante em dividir cada detalhe de pensamento que  rondava sua mente tão brilhante. É sempre único observar o seu olhar profundo e repleto de uma mescla devidamente única de significados. A sua aura é tão resplandecente que é possível sentir a energia do ar se modificando para mais leve, mais feliz, mais.

O tempo escorria, porém o desejo era de permanecer ali, naquela conversa banhada por café, vento frio e um misto especial de manhã com tarde que apenas aquela cidade consegue oferecer. Sem saber qual caminho exato percorriam, os passos eram firmes e os diálogos profundos. Este é um dos detalhes mais especiais sobre ela: a forma como parece fácil dizer e ouvir histórias complexas do presente e do passado.

Escutar a sua voz é como se sentir abraçada e encantada ao mesmo tempo. Já o coração alterna entre terrivelmente descompassado e totalmente calmo. Por esta razão, em todo instante vivido neste dia singular, procurava absorver cada segundo de uma interação quase mágica. Em um dado momento, fitou o seu rosto e sentiu uma tontura inesquecível. Talvez, tenha sido porque foi naquele instante que compreendeu como a paixão havia dominado cada parte do seu corpo e da sua alma.

Ali, rodeada de transeuntes, ouvindo o som dos patos que nadavam descompromissados no lago que ela tanto gosta. Nada poderia ser mais perfeito do que aquele instante. Um momento no qual ela estava com sua amada, em dos seus locais preferidos do mundo inteiro, zonza de sentimentos inexplicáveis. Isto porque não é todo dia que se encontra uma conexão tão forte, tão inabalável, intocável e intensa. 

De certo, já ficou impossível esconder essa emoção que irradia e perpassa toda a pele e contagia seu semblante. Contudo, isso é o de menos. Ainda que tente disfarçar e evocar uma voz descompromissada e serena, as suas palavras a entregam. Mas, ela poderia ir muito além e se derreter completamente em sua frente, deixando transparecer tudo que sente, em uma rajada de segundos. 

Poderia relatar como a beleza dela é fascinante e cheia de detalhes cativantes. Poderia confessar como ela sempre fora a mulher que procurou a vida inteira e nunca antes havia encontrado igual. Na verdade, ela jamais cogitaria a existência desta pessoa, que habitou por muito tempo apenas a sua imaginação. “É real o que estou vivendo?” Essa era a pergunta constante que permanecia em sua cabeça, enquanto a brisa batia suave em seus rostos.

Ela também não conseguia parar de pensar em como gostaria de a ter beijado nesta manhã tão bonita e outonal. A cada esquina que passavam, observava a movimentação de seus lábios e a velocidade de sua fala. Tão intensa, tão bonita e desejável, em sua frente, porém tão inalcançável. É doloroso compreender que toda esta narrativa permanecerá assim, sem se mover, neste mesmo estado até o fim.

Ou, pior, que em poucas semanas um oceano inteiro estará separando elas e jamais esquecerá cada minuto vivido ao seu lado. E é por isso que não pode e não irá ficar triste. Porque ali, neste breve tempo, entre tardes e manhãs, cafés e jantares, caminhadas, confissões e risadas, toda felicidade do mundo preencheu sua existência. Então, valeu a pena somente por ter sentido e vivido tudo isso. O resto é desconhecido. E se isso não é amor, ela já não sabe mais de nada. 

The unexplainable feeling

She writes to keep her words safe somewhere, to warm her body and soul and with the hope that someday the girl she loves will find her missives and understand everything she was going through. But how could she start to describe the importance of what she is feeling right now? Maybe she could begin talking about her. She could start by remembering the sound of her name, but not that name that everybody calls her. She has this beautiful middle name that sounds like it came from a medieval princess warrior, like she was just inside of a beautiful fantasy tale.

Her looks match with her name and with her red hair that bounces when the wind comes. To look at her is like reading a refined ancient poem or hearing a very melodic song. How can a person mix an amount of sweetness that is combined with all that strength? The way she moves and looks can drown a person into madness and calmness, because she has a mesmerizing behavior, which can be a blend of coolness and seriousness.

And then, over there, there is the fairy, looking at her like she could not waste any minute staring at another thing, because she could lose something of her. Every gesture that she does is like a balm or like smelling a gorgeous flower on a spring day. But she does not put her on a pedestal. Not anymore at least. She sees her flaws too, but still loves her anyway. However, how could someone write about love and confidences talking about flaws, right? No, here in this messy journal, she will talk about all the things that made her fall for this incredible girl that she met on a cloudy day in may.

Sometimes she closes her eyes and tries to remember the feeling of that first night when they had dinner. That amount of joy seems so unreachable now, but at the same time she is happy that she had the possibility to feel that way at some point of her life. It is not always that people can have such an intense and great moment. And all the things that happened that day come to her mind every once in a while. The way that she talked about herself and that she listened was very different from everything she knew before.

The way she cared about her was also different. And that was not because the fairy was important to the sunflower or anything, but because she cares for people in a very deep way. She is profound and is such a complex character that maybe is a bit confunsing to know how the sunflower feels about her. But it does not really matter, right? Her days together are almost over and she will probably forget about the fairy and never talk to her again. Alles ist verdammt, oder? This relationship is not possible, it will never happen. And even though she will only keep in her memory these amazing months that she had by her side, she will be grateful. It seems silly that brief friendly encounters could have changed someone's life. 

But that is the case. Nothing is the same after her. But why? Because she showed to her that even with the bad things that are in the Universe you can find good things and experiences inside of all that. Because her laugh is contagible and the way she looks at people makes more sense than anything that inhabits the Planet. So she finishes her sentences right now, at least for today. But she will keep in mind that she will carry in her heart the days she got to have with her, with her smile, beautifulness and kind words. And that, folks, is all she needs for now.

 

For her, maybe

With her heart racing like crazy, she decides to write in a language that she can understand. Perhaps in the future, in one day not far behind, she will be able to read her simple and silly words and discover the truth about their encounters. How she ended up here, in such a place of hiding her feelings and holding secrets she would not like to share? Well, it was on a cloudy day in December that she decided not to tell anyone about her feelings anymore or even avoid to feel something. But she could not stop herself, right? How could she?

With that big eyes staring at her and all the trees and flowers around them, something special happened. The way she moves and speaks softly made her world collapse and everything changed after her. Why she is so kind and beautiful? That was the question that popped out in each day that they had to meet. Why? Couldn't she be less wonderful? But it is not the lady in the window's fault. She can not be different from who she is, but she collects thousands of characteristics that makes the fairy dizzy.

The thing is that she is sweet, generous and warm, but also very strong and incisive. And that mix of being makes her feel that she finally reached the horizon. That is it, right? She finally found the girl she was expecting her entire life. And there is she, unavailable, so unreachable that she must control her feelings. After so many times that the fairy told about her emotions to someone, now she hides and keeps all her ideas to herself.

But her wish was to finally tell everything, to say to her all the silly things that are inside her chest, such as: “I dive inside your eyes and feel like I finally found happiness. You are like the sun, that shines and burns the skin, like the flowers that blossom and dry in each year's season. You are the strength and the sensibility that the Universe needs, that I am thirsty to drown". But she will not. She will bury that so deep inside that nobody will ever know anything. She will return to her land as if nothing like that ever happened.

She must do that in order to keep her somehow in her life, like a friend, like a buddy that lives far away but you maintain in touch for some reason. Sie brauchen die Wahrheit vermeiden. Diese Liebe ist noch einmal verboten. And just like that, she finishes her confusing sentences, probably miswritten. But with all the affection she got to gain in the last few months. However, she needs to add a couple of lines to end this letter saying all she can say and then try to forget about this once for all. So, before her she never met this kind of happiness.

Before her she thought she knew what joy was and  being complete was. Before her the understanding of life was different, less interesting, less rewardable. With all her cheerful and thoughtful way of doing things, she showed an entire new perspective of what is to be alive and what people can do to be happier, to be smarter, more sensitive, more capable, more. Because she is that, she is more, she is like a huge field of sunflowers, waiting to open up on a warmful day of spring or sommer. And that is unforgettable...

 

A imagem antes do último suspiro

Ela foi a canção mais intensa e difícil de esquecer. Ela foi o som mais funesto que se alastrou por sua alma, condenou seus passos e a impediu de amar qualquer outra cantiga. Ela é aquela que se foi em um sonho qualquer, daqueles de despertar em madrugada perturbada. Pois ela, que foi miragem incessante, completou logo hoje aniversário de morada dentro de seu peito em fulgor eterno e dominante.

Em meio ao caos e nas tonturas insistentes, ações condenaram ainda mais os resultados fracassados da fada fantasiosa e tola. Muito tempo depois de tudo isso, encontrou-se torta, meio cambaleante, andando pelas ruas, procurando uma cura para o veneno ingerido ao acaso. Ali, tudo que conseguia pensar, no calor do momento, da possível morte por sufocamento, era a tristeza de sua boca não ter podido beijar.

Como relatar longamente agora que já esquecera de sua face e partiu para outros horizontes, se quando achou que estivesse em seu fim, foi seu rosto que visualizou na lembrança para alcançar a paz? A finalização de seus dias não chegou, porém o pensamento sobre este acontecimento persistiu, como uma agonia que não se cura com preces, distrações ou saltos para novos abismos.

E ela continua tentando se livrar deste amor impossível, patético e insolente, que rasga a pele tão insistentemente, que já nem sabe qual o significado do que sente e com que olhos enxerga as mulheres ao seu redor. O que é esta chaga permanente, que fica ali grudada na pele como um pássaro preso em uma gaiola, proibido de cantar em liberdade? 

É verdade que a quis, a desejou tanto que perdeu a fome, as forças, os pensamentos lógicos. Agiu levianamente e se sente louca quando recorda de qualquer momento daquele passado. Todavia, ali, naquelas terras quentes, só conseguia enxergar o seu sorriso, os seus olhos, a sua boca, a sua respiração, a sua eloquência, o seu charme, a sua sagacidade…Somente ela e mais ninguém. 

Ela foi uma espécie de musa condenada ao fracasso, pois, sem ser consultada, foi colocada em um pedestal cintilante e cheio de ilusões. O que fazer então agora que sabe que se estivesse em seus últimos suspiros, seria ela a sua derradeira visão? Como explicar um sentimento inviável, impossível, despudorado e até mesmo burro? Como se livrar desta miragem, que habita como um punhal cravado na aura, que já está tão ensanguentada por tudo que já viveu? 

Diferentemente de quando estava do outro lado do oceano, não quer mais sentir nada disso. Pelo contrário, seu maior desejo é ressignifcar toda a trajetória atrapalhada, todos os erros cometidos, todas as fantasias ridículas e encarar de vez a verdade sincera: ela nunca se importará, nunca corresponderá, nunca existirá nada além de ficção para elas. Sonha que um dia o esquecimento desta música amaldiçoada avance mais do que a superfície, que consiga se conectar com os sorrisos que lhes estão sendo ofertados no presente e que quebre as correntes desta desilusão apavorante.

Implora ao seu coração, com todas as forças presentes em seu corpo zonzo de cansaço, que nunca mais pense nela, que nunca mais sinta o que sente por ela, que ela não seja dona dos seus pensamentos em qualquer momento de perigo, em nenhum instante, que ela seja apenas uma conhecida amigável, que estará lá, bem distante, em cima de seu trono de cristal falsificado.