Taking the pain out of the chest

She was standing there with her face glowing by the moon night. She, the one that is currently the love of her life. After the best night that she could possibly imagine to have, the fairy had to take all the strength that inhabits her body not to tell the truth to the sunflower. 

What would come after the truth? She would lose her, her friendship and admiration. She would not be able to reach her ever again and would listen to a very awful rejection which she was not ready to hear. 

Instead, she hugged her and melted a little on her arms and also cried out a tiny amount of the emptiness she will leave behind. The sunflower became a huge part of her world for a while and after her everything changed. That should be the thing that most matters, right? 

All the rest must be kept as a secret together with the fog that fills Marburg’s streets. Maybe she was right all along, maybe she fell in love with Marburg and a little bit with herself. Five months, five amazing months of adventures and transformations. That counts. 

But also, besides all the city atmosphere, there is her. There is her charm, her voice, her accent, the way she sees life. There is a peace and a happiness that the fairy only encountered by her side. And that will be forever remembered. That is the reason that the fairy is so sure that she is in love with the sunflower.

Regardless of all the absence of correspondence, she was happy. But she was not selfish, she had genuine feelings for her and really wished only her happiness, only good things to her. So the fairy will keep her journey, now without all the light that comes from the love of her life and keeping this secret inside her chest. But there is one thing that she will always have within her soul: all the moments that she spent by her side, all the experience exchanged, coffees, laughs, tears and deep emotions shared. 

She will be caring out this new kind of love she discovered she could have and use it as a knowledge of how the fairy actually can fall in love, be in love and have only good results in the end. The sunflower was the most melodic song that she has ever listened to, the deepest connection, the unforgettable one. It is impossible to be sad after understanding that.

Sie liebt dich und sie weißt das…

A despedida

A névoa e o sol se misturavam ao entardecer de Marburg. Com o coração acelerado, descompassado e desolado, a fada se despedia do seu castelo preferido, dos dias de paz, do seu novo amor irremediável. Depois, guardou consigo tudo que pode e manteve a fé de que outros horizontes estão por vir. No agora, tenta ser resiliente e compreender que cada momento é uma fase, com novas surpresas que irão raiar.

Todavia, seu craquelado resquício de amor romântico, ressuscitado pelo girassol mais belo, insiste em virar poeira e deixar seu corpo de uma vez. Há uma dor incurável que é a perda de sua presença. Há uma certeza imutável, que é o vazio que ela deixará. Nunca antes se sentiu preenchida de tanto prazer ao lado de alguém. Nunca antes foi completa apenas por conhecer e conviver com uma pessoa.

O que fora de tão diferente? Em cada amanhecer, se pergunta insistentemente a mesma coisa. Talvez, tenha sido a sua risada e seu jeito bobo de fazer graça. Talvez, tenha sido seu olhar profundo, que lê atento todes ao seu redor. Talvez, tenha sido a sua forma de tentar ajeitar a humanidade, planejando futuros e entregando casacos para quem tem frio. Talvez, tenha sido a sua generosidade, compaixão, força, atrevimento, alegria, foco. Talvez, tenha sido cada detalhe presente nela…

Ela é tudo e tudo é ela. Ela é sinfonia disparada em vésperas de martirio por seu adeus. Ela é cantiga fina, que acalenta o peito na madrugada apavorante. Ela é o tambor que guia seus passos, a melodia única que salvou a sua alegria. Ela é a imperatriz de seus sonhos, a mulher do outrora, que estava ali na janela. Ela é a fanfic mais real, a narrativa mais bela e complexa, a vastidão de júbilo que preenche o mundo de espasmos de sentido. 

The silly pain inside the throat

There is this suffocating feeling that she cannot get rid of. It is like something is stuck on her throat and she is not able to swallow freely anymore. Maybe that is happening because she ate up her tears a little bit and tried to move on with her own path.

It all began on a cold afternoon of September. She looked inside her eyes and saw emptiness. After that, the impression that there was an absence of feelings inside the sunflower only grew. Within that the suffocation got worse step by step. 

But there was one point where the pain became stronger than ever and that was after the moment she realized she would be forgotten. It is not like it is her fault or anything. She is just not important to her as she would like to be and that should be fine, it will be fine.

But the pain is striking her chest, her throat, her heart. She has this physical pain and there is nothing to do except wait for this pathetic and useless feeling to go away for once. In the past, she fall for many girls that are now only a memory or that got to have different meanings on her life. With the Kaiserin of the sunflowers that will not be different.

One day, she will look behind and see how this was relevant to her growth. She will see how this was the basis to never repeat the same circles, ever. She broke the cycle of doing whatever she wanted, just because she had feelings. And that maybe hurts and gives throat suffocations but it is also the best choice, the best path, the adult thing to do. 

And, as she writes, she gets to cope with her feelings and the tears wash up a small part of the pain. And that will be her life everyday for a while. Until the day that the pain is gone, until the day that she will not be sad that she forgot about her, because that is not the main point of this encounter. 

She met her to be herself a better person, she met her so she could see herself with better eyes and understand better what she feels, why she feels and about who. So, that was a learning experience. One she will never forget. And sometimes in order to learn you have to feel a little bit of pain, because that means you are transforming yourself. 

Sobre a fada esmeralda

O véu se quebrou em finos espasmos. A escrita se derramou pela glória do teu nome petrificado. Como em um despertar após um sonho incessante, as verdades tomaram seu peito, que antes já estava inconsolável. A justiça caminhou ao seu lado e proclamou todos os gritos por tanto tempo guardados. Não mais celebrou a mentira, o desengano ou a ilusão. 

Agora, com as verdades purificadas, finalmente alcançou a libertação. Agora, sem medos trancafiados, conseguiu ser aquela do passado novamente. Juntamente com seu presente, amarrou todas as características que carrega consigo em sua aura. Desta vez, o fez de maneira bem firme, para que jamais esquecesse que canção alguma pode lhe aprisionar.

Ela é o vento despudorado, o campo que incendeia com qualquer flâmula. Ela é caos em véspera de desespero e acalento em tempo de necessidade. Por esta razão, nunca mais se calará diante da injustiça que é amar e precisar corresponder um mistério insignificante. Jamais voltará para o ponto inicial, no qual tudo é desapego e nunca intensidade. Jamais irá questionar sua sede, seus desejos ou decisões tempestuosas novamente.

Não importa quão grande seja o castelo, ela sabe que todas as sonatas desfazem os laços, porém não podem permanecer longamente. Então, por que correu por tanto tempo de sua danação preferida? Por que tentou procurar em imperatrizes e rainhas aquilo que não consegue achar em si mesma? Na verdade, precisa entender que não haverá ser algum que possa controlar essa chama que não se apaga, essa vontade de correr pelos campos floridos em véspera de estações mais quentes.

Ela é verão, é sol e ventania e sempre soube deste fato. Não precisará, assim, que venham girassóis ou borboletas para iluminar um horizonte já tão iluminado e perfumado. Por isso, no hoje cheio de ilusões quebradas, promete para si que não olhará para trás outra vez. Encerrando ciclos, irá cruzar a fronteira do próximo ano limpa e sem impedimentos. Irá aceitar a transformação, mas manterá o que há de mais precioso em seu coração de fada torta e de asa quebrada.

Se houver alguma resposta do outro lado, caminhará na direção oposta. Pois, nesta nova alvorada, não há espaço para donas de corações e sim de sinos que compartilham estradas longas, que serão trilhadas em conjunto, no dia mais lindo de todos, no celestial e translúcido amanhecer, que talvez esteja por vir quando for mar mais uma vez. Então, que venha, que seja, que reaja e nunca mais espere por sereias fantasiadas de sorrisos. Até o fim, até o próximo encontro com o castelo, até o retorno, até o infinito.

Wise and blessed

Her eyes are like a lake, where swans glide gently on a storm eve. Her smile is a flood that overflows within the hearts of those who doesn’t expect anything. However, her words are the ones that stick a flag in the soul and elucidate the true meaning of existing.

How could she imagine that on a simple spring afternoon she would find the owner of her certainties, of her greatest joy, of every atom of happiness present in this vast Universe? And all this happened because she is an intense ray of sunshine, mixed with a slight arrogance of those who knows so much, but also with the generosity of those who have a sparkling and resplendent aura.

Everything now becomes her, because she is like an unshakable symphony by Mozart, an opera with the most sad end or even a Hollywood romcom with a happy ending. It doesn't matter which is the narrative, it matters that it is intense, so it will be similar to her.

Why she is so far away though? Her tower is not made of ivory, but of thorns. There, a faithful knight that takes up his sword and holds the heart of his beloved. Amid mists, wind and lightning and there she tries to find in which exact place in this garden the warrior empress of her dreams is hiding.

Why so much fog? Why can't she be by her side, holding hands, on this Opera night in Vienna? Why is it an end without a beginning, is it damnation without a purpose, is it no without any possibility of yes? It is impossible and there will never be another one as impossible as she. It's like seeing the most beautiful oasis and being forbidden to enter.

And the curse has only just begun. When the ocean separates them, the sonata will turn gray and she will have to pull her passion out of her bowels. Because only then she will be able to try to seek happines again. Nothing will be like before. After her, only her, forever her, with all the love in the world, her.

The end

The smell of the trees, the calmness in her eyes, everything was perfect on that happy and cold September afternoon. But somehow, the fairy has this power of getting obsessed with her songs and ruin things a little bit. Her feelings about the sunflower should be a secret, a secret she was not able to keep.

Without using the specific words, without saying “I am in love with you”, she revealed everything to her, without saying that it was her. It can be confusing to understand, but in the end, even with codes and not saying her name, the fairy felt she was obvious. The sunflower then started to give advice to help the fairy to forget about that “mysterious” woman. Her floor opened deep, she could not feel her body and her thoughts started to be confused.

Does she know? Was that a polite way to dump her? The fairy began to see everything blurry and her heart was in her throat. She wanted to run away from that conversation, she did not want to cry or show more weakness than she had already shown. The fairy said thanks to the sunflower and got away from her as soon as she could. 

After that, while she walked really fast through the streets of Marburg, she could feel the heavy tears falling on her scarf and shirt. She sat on the bench that the sunflower introduced to her. That is such a special place for the fairy. There she stared at the river and cried for half an hour. Tears of despair, sadness, confusion, disillusionment, panic and lack of self respect.

The river was there, the trees and the feeling that she met an amazing girl that will never be with her too. But now nothing regarding this story matters. Now is the time to face the truth, to break the spell she put on herself and be braver. She is a courageous woman, isn’t she? So she will fulfill her role in this path she made for herself in this country for the last months.

A new fairy had become and she is not giving up of happiness because of one small failure. She will keep the sunflower in her heart as a kind friend who gave her good moments. She will put this love on another shelf and move on to the next sunset. There is got to be one new horizon with an even more interesting person, that will be available and maybe even nicer.

Only time will tell. For now, she says “goodbye, sunflower, you were the best you could be”. 

20220919

It is impossible to explain this feeling. How could she know that before her she never experienced happiness in her life? It seems dramatic and insane maybe, but it is the truth. After her, she discovered what it is actually to feel happy and how life can be beautiful in every detail. It would be even more surprising if she told people how she is the woman she dreamed about.

It was on July afternoon of 2019 when she told someone the list of things that she would like to find in a woman, one list that she actually made it when she was 14. That sounded silly and unlikely back then. But after 3 years she found the exact person who matches this fantasy. Everything she had described is there on the sunflower. 

How can she cope with that in the present? It seems so weird that life is testing her now. Because on one hand there is the woman of her dreams. The woman that is going to be so far away from her in a couple of weeks, but that is exactly what she wanted her entire life. On the other hand, she has patterns which she wants so deeply to change.

What should she do right now since she is in love, but once again not with the woman she should be in love? Should she tell the sunflower that she likes her? Maybe give a letter to her on the last day they will see each other? Or should she stay quiet, never tell her and try to forget her? Maybe the second option is the best thing to do.

If the reader of this messy online journal is a constant reader, this person must know how insane the fairy love life is, how she can dive deep into relationships and fall for the wrong people. But also, how can she do everything to seek happiness and likes to care about the girl she is in love with. So what are her next steps? Maybe she will change the equation and let the sunflower decide. 

If she does feel the same and let the fairy know, everything will be different. But if she sees her only as a dear friend, who will be very much far away soon, she will maintain her silence forever. Is it important to let everybody know everything all the time? Is it so relevant that people say all the things they feel just because one day death will come?  Maybe not. Maybe the action of telling every feeling inside your chest is a dumb idea. 

So, for now, her decision is to keep the silence that she learned how to evoque on the last few months. But if the sunflower reads this stupid diary, she wants to say that her impression that the fairy was in love with her was right. The confessions were about the sunflower all the time. And, yes, that was a romantic gift. And, yes, she does know that she is stupid for falling in love with her. 

But she is also very thankful to the Universe for putting her on the fairy’s way. Every moment by her side was damn special and the image of her beautiful eyes will follow her until her final breath. So, don’t be disappointed, pretty sunflower, because she tried very hard not to be in love with you, but in the end she was also happy because it was a honor only to meet you and have your company.